4 Ways Improve Sexual Communication for Hotter Sex that Lasts

Mar 3

Even though sexual desire is as primal as hunger and thirst, talking about it can feel anything but natural.

There’s nothing wrong with being private about your sexuality, but when it comes to talking with the people you’re actually having sex with, I believe that open, transparent communication is crucial – especially if you want great sex and deep intimacy that lasts.

Unfortunately, talking openly, shamelessly, and with precision about our turn ons and turn offs isn’t modeled or encouraged, so most people haven’t had much exposure or practice. (No wonder these conversations can feel so hard!)

I’m all for a sex life that gets hotter (versus duller) with age. So let’s get talking…

Here are 4 ways to have better conversations about sex, because better sex starts with brave communication.

1.Have a meta conversation

You can do some form of this whether you’re in a committed relationship or having casual sex. It doesn’t have to be some big formal moment or lengthy, written agreement (unless you’re into that sort of thing). This is about putting it out there to your lover that you want to talk more openly, and more regularly, about your sex life (scary I know!) – and setting some intentions about how you’ll approach these conversations.

Acknowledge that getting feedback around sex – and hearing about your partner’s secret desires and fantasies – can be triggering. Some people could feel incapable or embarrassed when their partner shares something they’ve been doing that they actually don’t like. Others may feel scared to be honest because they don’t want their partner to feel insecure, defensive or judgemental. Some might feel lied to or left out if their partner shares a desire or fantasy that they’ve kept to themselves up until now.

If giving or receiving feedback is hard for you in general (join the club!), put this out in the open. And together commit to creating a judgement free zone. Make it clear that all thoughts, desires, concerns and feelings are welcome – without shame or criticism.

Agree to share triggered feelings in a vulnerable (using “I” statements) versus shaming (“you” statements) way. For example: “When you shared that it’s a turn off when I use spit as lube, I felt embarrassed because I’ve been doing it for a while, but I’m really glad you told me” versus "I can’t believe you never told me that!”.

Set the intention to respond to each other’s feelings with empathy rather than taking them personally and getting defensive. And make a pact that you’ll do your best to receive each other’s feedback and desires with curiosity and, when possible, enthusiasm (easier said than done, I know).

Adopt the perspective that deeper conversations about sex provide an opportunity to learn something new about the person you’re with. And remember that whatever they share, you get to have your boundaries and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Often just the act of sharing a desire, whether or not it is acted on, brings more intimacy. And who knows, maybe you can find a fun role play or some dirty talk that fulfills the desire or fantasy without actually doing it.

Make a commitment to each other about how often you want to check (monthly, every other week, as needed?). Topics of conversation can be as simple as: what you’re liking lately, something you want to try or bring back, anything you didn’t like.

Remember, sharing your sexual desires and boundaries is super vulnerable (even with a long-time partner!). So make a commitment to be gentle with each other and go slow.

2. Practice giving real-time feedback

Set aside a 1 to 2 hour sex date (or two 30-minute to 1-hour dates), and take turns giving pleasure to each other. Slow down your touch and have your lover guide you as to what feels pleasurable and what doesn’t. If your lover asks you to touch them slower, or spend more time teasing them before touching their genitals, instead of getting frustrated or feeling ashamed, try to respond with “of course baby, how’s this?”, and don’t stop adjusting until you get it just right for them. This is how we learn!

If giving real time feedback is tough for you – i.e., you notice yourself freezing up or going along with things that don’t feel great – take some time debrief after the experience.

3. Expand your erotic knowledge of yourself

Often when I ask clients about the hottest sex of their life, they stare back at me blankly. Maybe they can identify a few experiences, but when I ask them what made it hot for them, they shrug.

One of the best ways to initiate a better conversation about sex is to explore who you are erotically, at this phase in your life, and to start letting your partner in on what you’re learning.

What is your erotic signature? Do you want to be pinned up against the wall and devoured in a fit of passion, or softly caressed while your lover gazes into your eyes and tells you you’re their one and only? Do you want to be wrapped in a warm cocoon of undivided attention? And within that cocoon do you want to be punished, adored, or obstinate? Or maybe you love taking control, or turning your lover on beyond their wildest dreams? Something else?

Great bedroom communication starts with undressing your erotic self, layer by layer. What are the feelings, gestures, words, types of touch, environments, circumstances, sex acts, and fantasies that turn you on the most?

Great sex doesn’t just happen (as it’s portrayed in the movies), and even when it does, it usually doesn’t last. It’s understanding and expanding your unique erotic menu, and teaching your lover how to do these things to/for/with you, that will keep your sex life hot and deep.

The more in tune you are with your sexual self, the more fodder you’ll have for great conversations about sex – conversations that not only get you more pleasure, but equip you to ask better questions to get to the bottom of what your lover likes too.

4. Have a consent conversation

(Yep, even those of you who have been together forever!)

Consent doesn’t have to be all business, it can be sexy too! Consent conversations are all about learning and sharing about what disarms you and your lover – turn ons, turn offs, and the sequencing, pace and touch points that lead to the most pleasure.

There are two main styles of consent (with lots of room to customize!): Escalating with ongoing consent and giving consent at the start of a new sexual experience, or with a new partner.

Escalating with ongoing consent means getting consent throughout a sexual experience, before escalating to the next level – for example, from kissing to touching other body parts to taking off clothes, to taking off underwear, to touching the genitals, and so forth. This style is great for people who struggle with tracking or communicating their boundaries in real time.

You might be wondering: how do I make this sexy? There are lots of ways! Rather than asking, “can I take off your shirt”, say: “I’m dying to take your shirt off and so I can feel more of you”, and check to see how they respond. If your lover doesn’t like ongoing consent, or they’re generally less verbal in bed, you will need to learn how to attune to them with your whole body (a skill I can help with!).

Giving consent at the start of a sexual experience means having a conversation about wants, likes, dislikes and boundaries at the start of sex, or the first time you’re with a new partner. Beyond that, the agreement is to share in real time if something is or isn't feeling good. This style is great for people who have no problem communicating their boundaries and are generally more verbal or expressive during sex. (For more guidance on having this type of consent conversation, grab my sexy conversation cards here where I share specific questions you can ask each other.)

You, like me, may fall somewhere in between these two styles – you don't want to be asked every time things escalate, but there may be specific things you want to be checked in with during each sexual experience (even with the same partner). For me, I (almost) always like my lover to ask before they touch my pussy or ass hole, whether it's with their fingers, a toy or their cock.

A note on consensual non-consent: It is true for some people that the act of giving (being asked) or obtaining (asking for) consent during a sexual experience can be a turn off. This may be true for someone whose core desire is to feel taken or used (go to my blog post on core desires here). In this case, the only way to find this out would be to have the consent conversation before sex or when you're negotiating with a new partner.

Remember, consent is *not* black and white! What you like will be super unique to you and the situation you're in. When in doubt, always air on the side of *more* communication.

Want to dive deeper?

If you struggle with talking about sex or knowing what you like, this is *exactly* what I help my clients with! Whether you’re partnered or single, I’d love to chat! You can schedule a free 20-minute conversation with me here.

Allie Andrews