3 Signs You're Performing in Bed
For some of us, performing in bed is a *huge* turn on. We love to feel sexy, powerful, competent, like the best lover. Seeing our partner turned on because of how hot and skilled we are is the thing that gets us out of our heads and into our bodies, and gives us the most amazing orgasms.
If wearing a sexy outfit or moving your body in just the right way that you know makes your lover crazy increases your arousal, confidence, pleasure and access to orgasm, great! There’s nothing wrong with this kind of performance or objectification in the bedroom.
But there’s a fine line between performing because it turns *you* on and performing in a way that suppresses your own access to your body and pleasure.
There are a lot of reasons why someone might perform in this way. I’ve definitely done it. Many people (especially women, but also many men) do this because they were taught on some level that sex isn’t about them and their pleasure.
This can be a result of social conditioning, sexual trauma, religion, a habit of people pleasing, a disconnection for our bodies, anxiety and overthinking, low sexual/body confidence…usually a combination.
Here are some signs that you’re performing in bed in a way that inhibits your pleasure (both in and out of the bedroom):
You’re judging your body
Rather than focusing on the sensations you’re feeling and the connection with your lover, you’re overthinking everything. Your mind is swirling with thoughts like: Am I hard enough? Is that jiggling too much? Do I smell weird? Why am I not getting wet quicker? Are they turned off by me? Are they turned on by me? They’re not getting wet/hard, they must not be into me. It’s my fault, I’m just not sexy enough!
You’re going along with something you think your partner will like, but you’re not ready for
This is a *big* one. At least it was for me. For a lot of my sex life I didn’t even realize I was doing this. I was so stuck in people pleasing mode that it was honestly hard to tell whether I liked something or not.
I was so focused on the other person and what I thought they might like or want that I learned to ignore my own embodied reactions to things. Tension, stillness, zoning out, getting quiet. I would quickly override these impulses and switch back into performance mode.
You’re constantly thinking about whether your partner likes something
It’s totally natural to think about whether your lover likes something, but if this thought becomes a distraction from your own body and pleasure, it’s a good sign that you’re stuck in your head, making you less able to tap into what *you’re* experiencing. If this is happening for you, the moment you start to question, just check with them: how’s this feeling? What would make it even better for you?
And don’t forget to reframe the question: Do *I* like this?
If any of these *super common* patterns resonate with you, here are some growing edges for you to work with:
Learn about what you need when it comes to consent – I have a blog post where I talk high level about how to have a consent conversation, which may be a good place to start. Click here to read it.
Learn to be more embodied – I.e., learn to be more present to your breath, sensations, feelings (the yumminess and the resistance) and the subtle changes that tell you what’s good for you and what’s not.
Develop your sexual confidence – Which, contrary to popular belief doesn’t come from having a chiseled body or the perfect handjob routine. It comes from disinhibition – freedom of movement, sound, expression, pleasure – and communicating in real time what feels good for you and what doesn’t.
Because the truth is, while subconsciously we may think that we have to perform to be worthy of love and connection, these habits actually make us a *less* attractive.
The most attractive lovers are the ones who take full ownership of their pleasure, who move with what feels good and redirect when something doesn’t, who aren’t judging their body but who are *feeling* their body and engrossed in their own pleasure.
If you’re not there yet, no worries. Be gentle with yourself, healing and feeling safe in your body is not a linear path. And I’m here to support you through it.
About the Author: Allie Andrews
Allie Andrews is a somatic sex and intimacy coach in Portland, Maine. She works with individuals + couples to build safety and connection in their bodies – and help them have more fun, pleasure, and play in their lives!
Click here to go to the About page and learn more about Allie.
